The People V. Roger Clemens

I'm heading out again this weekend (up to the mountains with my son), and I got a lot on my mind. So, as Bette Davis would say, "Fasten your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpy night."

Like you, I am SO glad that the US House of Representatives has the Iraq war in hand, eliminated poverty, established a solid renewable energy policy to last us into the next decade and beyond, and has established a system that allows affordable health care. Otherwise, why else would they have time to find out what was coming out of those needles which were stuck in Roger Clemens' ass. What in the fuck!?

Like Barry Bonds, Clemens is going to have a tough time in this because he's an asshole. The sports media LOVES bringing those dudes down. But, you know who's really taking this...well, in the ass? Debbie Clemens. Yup, she was worried about not looking good enough for a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue (ironically, this year's issue came out this week). She's a fitness guru who encourages her clients to work hard, so she takes HGH when she's in a pinch. Niiiiiice.

Best that I can tell, Roger's defense sound like this:

*Yes, my wife and my best friend (Andy Pettite, who has since admitted even more HGH use and has implicated Clemens since the linked article) have used HGH.

*Yes, those drugs were supplied to them by my trainer.

*No, I have never used those drugs and I'm offended that you even consider the possibility.

Careful followers of sports and steroids will remember that this was the EXACT story told by Marion Jones before she confessed to using steroids (she had a shadowy trainer and both her ex-husband and the father of her child were both admitted steroid users). Not that Roger has used them, just sayin'.

Clemens' story is completely at odds with his trainers'. So, who's telling the truth? I had a friend who did marriage and family counseling. We were chatting around the time of the OJ trial (when there was still some doubt about whether he did it) about how to tell when someone's lying in these situations. His guide was always, "The person who is calm and presents the facts is almost always the truth teller. If someone's very emotional and talks about the pain inflicted by the whole thing they are usually lying." Not that Roger has used them, just sayin'.

Of course, there are two things that make this whole thing hilarious. Remember in the 2000 World Series, Clemens threw a broken bat at Mike Piazza? And that cell phone commercial where Roger is asking Debbie if he should play another year and she goes ballistic and throwing shit? Obviously 'roid rage.

Back to our dipshits in Congress. Besides why are they even wasting their time on this, how come all of the democrats are tearing Clemens to pieces and the republicans are showering him with (mostly) man-love? Who's the republican strategist saying, "Listen, this dude's being railroaded, cut him some slack." If I were a betting man, I wouldn't be surprised if Clemens is a Republican supporter, as many rich athletes are (for instance, ARod gave a big chunk to Guiliani). Regardless of whether he has personally made political contributions, you know that these every two year hustlers do NOT want to alienate a bunch of millionaires this close to an election. They could at least be subtle about it.